Things I'm Gonna Do

1. Stop washing my hair. I just am. I want to watch it get mad greasy.
2. Make Christian Porn. :)
3. Try and eat bone marrow. Heard it was tasty.
4. Go to random stores, stand in the middle of it, and nastily say to everyone passing me, "Why the fuck am I here?"
5. Try and block out shitty music. You're playing it, again.
6.

Fire.

Try to not let the smoke get in your eyes,
When my flame gives off so much of it.
    I get tired of you, all of you.
    There isn't a new, sexier, version of me.
  Because every version,
  Still doesn't give a fuck.
Snap your fingers,
The spark lingers,
Lick, licky friction,
Lighting my ignition,
You turn fact into fiction,
Completely fluid and without shape.
Not not to drown,
I suck all of the oxygen out of people's head,
They get tired of running, and sit down for their sweet tea and Cherry-Limeades,
And I eat.
   The trees are out of my league,
Never stopped me from burning them down.
They were beautiful and and capable of making god swoon,
But that didn't keep me from burning them down.

Let me explain myself....

...I have lost all my energy for you.
I have lost all of the sense you used to make to me. Maybe it was because we were two fishes in a bowl, stuck together all of the time. Now, we are in the ocean, and I'm noticing just how fake you are - just how false your scales are. You like to lie about who you are. Because you are so terrified of being who you are - simply because there is no 'real' you.
With every person you are someone else.
If I'm wrong, correct me, prove me wrong then.
Let me explain....okay?
You used to be something very similar and comfortable. You used to act like you understood me, loved me, and wanted to be with me.
Now you act like you are better than me, smarter than me, and more fun than I am.
...You could not be more wrong.
You are so wrong, it hurts to watch.
You love lying now! Your lies are so thick in the air, I am choking on them - although you seem to be breathing fine. Your pathetic attempts at trying to be slick and sly, your backhanded comments that you don't think I understand.
The world is smart, but I'm not that dumb either.
I can't wait to be free once again.

The Magic Red Romper

Here's the beat, children, (the girl children), there really is a secret to attracting boys in bars - and attracting vicious stares from other women.
The secret?
The color red.
It's Miss Steal-Your-Booty-Call, here now, and that is totally the tonic. It's the complete elixir, the cure all for hanging on the edge of a bar, looking bored. It's the honey, it's the sticky tape, it's all of it.
Or at least, it was for me last night.
I retreated to my old stand by, Tir Na Nog, the Irish bar with a mighty fist of couple therapy last night -albeit with my partner in crime, Lennyn. The only difference was that instead of my usual black garb (a color that I completely believe in) I wore red. Bright red, at that. I've always been a bit uncomfortable in bright hues, I'm not completely sure why, but I have been. I think it's because they seem to disagree with my personality. Yeah, sure I'm a loud, obnoxious bitch - but I'm a moody one. I'm not 'Ms. Sunshine', if anything, I'm 'Miss Gag-and Stuff-You-in-a-motherfucking-trunk' - and I'm proud of that. I don't have goals to be the butterfly that everyone worships, my goal is to be the spider hanging on the ceiling above your bed. One wrong move or tough exhale from you, and I will fall into your bed, infiltrating your private areas, and scaring you to death. Truth be told, I'd rather be feared than liked.
Lennyn and I were bored last night. We nearly decided to leave, but then, the Bass player came by. whispering in my ear, while holding his bass guitar, he says. "That is a great dress, you're gorgeous." I smiled and told him I liked his kilt (Hey, it's St. Paddy's day weekend) and he stared at me throughout his whole set. But who needs a bass player? Lennyn and I had our eyes on these two guys who stared at us the whole time - A tough-looking Fred Savage look-a-like and his blond sidekick. Eventually, we snagged them, and they bought us shots of Jameson. (Ugh, I hate shots). Fred Savage had monies, and was a an artist with a mixed martial artist background - and I immediately wanted that one. The blond was post-divorce and extremely goofy and Lennyn wanted that one. Well, of course, it ended up the other way around - because it just always does. He kept telling me I had incredible eyes - saying they were 'very beautiful and honestly fierce." He was a goof, but I loved the way words rolled off of his tongue. I like compliments that include calling me a bitch in a backhanded way. Apparently, after noticing my red romper, the first thing he noticed were my eyes. It most likely was bullshit, but it was cool. But you see? it was the romper. I have to say, Lennyn and I did laps around the bar a few times, and all I really noticed were the stares of animosity from other girls. Yes, my legs were bare and I was wearing heels. And nope, I was not wearing a bra - so, suck on that, ladies. Don't penalize me for being more confident than you are - I worked out yesterday and I had whiskey on the rocks in my hand, you couldn't do shit to me. But was it the red? That's what I was wondering. In a sea of green and muted shades last night, I was a bright figure. The bright red silk was striking - even now as I write this I see it poking out of my dresser drawer and I can't help but look at it as my room grows darker as the sun goes down. The boy fell in love with me last night, I felt confident and great in the magic red romper. As our guys went outside to smoke and talk shit about us, two extremely cute guys came running into the bar. They came straight to us and shouted at me with wide smiles, "Jesus Christ, you are actually SO gorgeous!" Besides the fact that these guys were obviously coked out of their minds - they were sweet. They bought us shots of Johnny Walker Red and wanted to t take us home, before the original two came back in the bar and rescued us from them. Got to love a former mixed martial artist - Fred Savage protected us from rapists - it was the first time a man besides my father had protected me and acted like a tough guy - I have to admit it was sweet.
But was it the romper?
The stares and drinks? The whispers from annoying girls and the bass player? Did it all stem from the color red and the hottie Lennyn by my side? Going out with her is awesome - I feel like I'm part of this socially free team, where we both don't care of about stupid people and we accept each other for our unique and mutual disrespect for society.
But that romper, man...that fucking romper....
$17.80 well spent.

Why I'm not Carrie Bradshaw - and why I never will be or want to be her.

As one watches the sugar silk screen Sarah Jessica Horse-face Parker as wears an odd printed dress and real horses with stilettos, we see her run through NYC's streets like a fucking gazelle and - I'm sorry, I want her to trip. JUST FUCKING ONCE. OR TWICE. OR MAYBE FOUR TIMES. Don't get me wrong, it's a greatly written character, but I hate her. I don't think her fucking puns are funny, and she's the ugliest out of all them bitches, and why does she get all of the attention? She's so dumb and retarded, I hate her.
Your jokes are not funny.
Your outfits are retarded - you aren't pretty enough to pull them off.
And, you know what? She whines too much. And she complains too much - if I were a guy, I wouldn't want to pork that.
I'm sorry, she is stupid.
Samantha got her shit together, okay?
fuck what people think, fuck sugar - eat salt.
Get laid, because it feels good and it's fun to be naked with people. There is nothing bad about sex. However,
Carrie is always with her bra on. It's dumb.
I will never be carrie Bradshaw because I don't want other people's approval, I don't want to be the quirky cute type. I want to grab a guy and douse him with poison - I want to be the scary-good-lay type. Carrie cares about shoes. I don't really, I care about catching lies with butterfly nets.... ugh, who cares? I dont care about making babies just for the sake of giving up parts of my wild thorniness, and I don't believe in sacrificing myself on the altar of society's bullshit. I'm about to go crazy when I think of women like you. You don't even know who the fuck you are, do you? Stop trying to get to Heaven when your head will not leave Sodom and Gomorrah, and frankly, you don't want it to.

Super

With my auburn hair and eyes of green,
You can't compete with this Jolene.
I'm feeling fairly invincible right now.
Why can't this ever last?

Rings

At this moment, I feel completely cold inside. Totally and utterly cold, and there is a flicker of 'pissed off' and 'blood-thirsty' that is trying to mix in red and yellow into this cold blue center of me. But it is not working....okay, maybe it is now.
      I have a Water Aerobics class. I get to the pool locker room with about 24 others girls, and we change into our swimsuits and we put our shit in our lockers, and we go out and swim. FUN, FUN, FUN. The other girls know I'm new, they have their cliques and friends, and I'm fine with that. I don't care, I just want to go to school, graduate, and go to another school, then become a doctor. So, on Wednesday, I changed into my swimsuit, and knowing that we were doing a long swimming test, removed my rings and put them in my small pocket of my back pack, zipped and sealed it. My rings, are my; wedding band, engagement rings (a 3 carat green amethyst and diamond ring), a Celtic thumb ring I had forever... and my father's wedding band. A small gold band that he married my mom with, the one thing my mother gave me after he died.
         I came back to the locker room, thought ("Ill put them on later, after I shower at home") changed, went to the Wellness Center to take care of some shiz, and went home. As soon as I went home, Van and I took a nap, I woke up around 7, went to the gym, came home, showered, and didn't put my rings on because I got distracted by Van being awesome and watching movies with me. Today, I got up, went to the gym, and didn't realize they weren't on me till I got home. So, then I got worried, and rushed to my backpack to fish them out and put them on ASAP. I fished around for a minute, couldn't find them, and since I had Leanne over, thought i'd just look for them later. And I did. I came home from hanging out, and they aren't in my backpack. I emptied the entire thing, shook it out, and they're gone.
      It's not the fucking diamond ring, or my wedding band. It's my father's ring I want back. I feel like the world and everyting that is godly took him away from me in 2007. They took him away and then my mom went crazy and she went away, and I didn't get anything of his until she gave me that one afternoon. Then everything changed, and I was left with Taco, and that ring. Taco is going to die one day, but I'd still have that ring, something to always have of my father's, and I don't have it anymore. And it makes me so angry that someone would do that. Like, you don't know what that meant to me. It was probably just some shitty godl ring to you, but to me it was him, always on me, keeping me safe, reminding me.
    I don't know who you are, bitch, but I hate you. I'm not going to forgive you, or be your friend, I hate you. You can keep my fucking diamond rings, but just give me that one back. I hate how this school preached all about being safe and protected, and we're all a sisterhood.... fuck, I don't want to be sisters with people like that. I already have my own sisters, and we stopped stealing from each other at 13. The fact of the matter is, Peace is letting trashy people in. It has nothing to do with class or race, because I know beautifully talented and intelligent black women go there, and really stupid, arrogant white women that go there - it's about letting people with low morals and dirty souls in. People say I have no respect for others.... I would never steal from someone. It's disgusting.
And right now, I just want my daddy.
.... and I want to find that bitch. Or bitches.

Britney (my rap)

Hey bitch, it's me Britney,
The girl with the skinned knees,
"Cause I'm on em' all the time,
Lose track of time,
But it's dandy, he tastes like candy,
dignity is too fancy,
And he's way too fine.
Why say 'no' when you can say, 'sho',
Short for 'sure', don't be obscure,
If you wanna stop being a loser this is the only cure.
Go get some highlights, and the french tips,
They sure look good circled around his dick,
Pointed in your face,
It's race, of who can get him there first,
You, or the other girls he dates.
Oh Britney, I love your booth tan,
It'll bound to get you some free drinks and stupid man,
And Britney, I love your Ugg boots,
paired with a mini-skirt, and your Ipod on mute,
You stroll in to class, like you're at a bar looking for ass,
Instead of college where you spend 17 grand a year,
Not on a degree but for a fiance in under 5 years.
Then a baby, crying while you're on the treadmill,
watching Dr. Phil,
Crushing up Vyvanse pills, buying Happy Meals,
Drinking wine by the box,
Damn, he sure works a lot, never time for you anymore,
Cause he found another whore, with the french tips,
He likes the way they look, grasped around his dick.
She uses them hamstrings, she squats down, never on them knees,
'Cause you may have been hot, but there are 10 million Britney's,
Look like you, who never eat food,
Who are always in the mood,
For a party at his place,
A dick in the face.
So all the Britney's, and Ashley's, Kelsey and Kristie's,
I got wonder, if your thunder got stole,
From the wierd girl asshole,
You know that bitch, she thinks quick,
The one with the stun gun snap at yo' ass,
you gonna slut back trap.

x(3=5y) = minimum wage

This is my nightmare, all over again.
In one room, they tell me that my skills and talents are unlike anyone they've seen in quite a while. My intuition combine with my visionary eye can place color and strokes and design templates where others cannot. My ear picks up musical tones that are normally not found very well. My memory is long and unbelievably strong, because I remember facts, dates, and places when most people forget them easily.
Then, in another room, I'm lost.
I'm in a dark room, with no light, bumping into walls. I hear voices telling me to go one way, but I cannot seem to get there. They show me a map to get out, but I can't follow it, because I just don't understand it. And when I see others follow it so well, I get so angry and depressed, because I never will understand it.
So this is where I am again. Again. Again, and AGAIN.
School.
In one room, Art - where the professor takes me into her office after only 2 weeks of school and tells me I'm gifted. Teachers in art have been pulling me into their offices for years to tell me that. It's nice.
In the other room, Math - where they show an example to solve a style of an equation, but then present me with one to try on my own, and I just can't do it. It makes no sense to me.
It isn't just the, "I'm not a Math person" thing. It's deeper and a lot uglier than that. It was me as a kid throwing up before math class because I was so nervous. It was having to leave the room because i was about to cry. It was then crying when I got a test back with big red marks all over it, an the number "22" at the top. 22...out of a possible 100. It was teachers, figures of patience, literally saying, "You may have a disability. I can't help you." It's being 23, and still not done with a Bachelor's, because of failing 3 math classes in a row at HCC.
it's being almost 24, and not being able to pass this one.
I hate myself. I hate how little it makes me feel. I hate how angry it makes me, that I can be so strong in one thing, but not the other. I have friends who are artistic, musical, and literary. And they were able to do just fine in math. They were never quite A+ students, but they weren't F ones either. They passed, they did fine. So what is wrong with me? What is my problem, why can't I get it at all? maybe I really am just stupid. Maybe I really should just drop out of school, because I will never, ever understand this. Maybe, despite all of my dreams to help others through art, to be the first one in my family to have a degree, I should just drop out. Maybe I'm not meant to have a degree, maybe I just don't deserve one.
Maybe I'll always be a loser, and a piece of shit that no one really cares about.
I sound so pathetic and emo, but it's how I feel.
I have no one in the world who really give a fuck about me, I'm at the point where I don't even give a fuck about me. I constantly feel ugly and stupid, and I'm just over it.

single and ready to mingle. Married and ready to.....what?

I kicked off the final leg of my undergraduate degree this past monday. I chose my school because of it not being coeducational, so there would be no distractions. But, you may ask, why would there be any distractions? You're married, right?
      Yes, I'm married. I'm fucking married. I'm happily fucking married. But I'm frustrated with the world in general, and myself, and him, right now. I feel so completely alone in this school of women, that are suppossed to be 'just like me.' Everyone has a friend. Or a room-mate. I don't, well, I do, but she's a different major and we have no classes together. I sit in class and pray we don't have to get into 'groups'. when we do, I feel 12 again, when no other girls wanted to hang out with me because I was covered in pimples and wore off-brand clothing.
           And then there is my dirty secret many of these girls don't know: I'm married. The few girls I have told, they gave me a look like I had lobsters on my head. And, I'm starting to realize, how much it does kind of suck that I am married. I have none of my own money (until I finally get my stipend and start working), I don't own my own car, I can't do what I want, I feel dependant on him, and the worst is, I feel like I'm just an after thought to him. I'm starting to really hate our routine, even though I feel secure in it. But I'm afraid by saying I'm starting to dislike it, it'll all come crashing down in a bad way. I feel like we need something good and interesting to come our way to help us realize something special - or it's going to get worse, these feelings I am having.

New Year's Resolutions

I've never really done any. I love them, in theory. They are an excellent dream - as if a new calendar is in actuality a clean slate, when you are completely free to start anew and redeem yourself. But it's really just another day. But, this past year, I haven't had any complaints. In some ways, it was an uneventful year. I mean, I went and graduated from Aveda, got my license to practice in North Carolina, moved, and now enrolling into Peace College. But, nothing terribly catastrophic happened to us. And nothing all that amazing happened either. don't get me wrong, I am as grateful as the days are long. I know how blessed we are, and I am well aware how others do not nearly have it as 'good' a us. But, still, it makes me wonder, how is this year going to go? In my life, I've noticed a pattern. One off, one on. One summer is great, the next is horrible. And so forth and so forth. So, if you don't get it, it's like this:
2007- My father died. BAD YEAR.
2008 - Got engaged, got married. GOOD YEAR.
2009 - Moved to Raleigh. But, Van also lost his job. GOOD year? Or BAD year?
2010 - Aveda, moved into bigger house, made more friends. GOOD YEAR.
Which means, 2011, is going to be a bad, bad year. I can feel it. I know that's horrible, the pessimism, but I can feel it in my bones. And my bones, or my intuition - is never, ever wrong. I'm going to Aveda, I'm in the process of losing A LOT of weight and generally trying to be a healthier individual. It's the first time in my life I am losing weight the healthy way, and so far I love it and hate it. but, Van's contract is also almost up, which means at any point, he could be out of a job. And this new, bigger house is really expensive, so in turn, we don't have a lot of money saved up to fall back on if that should happen. Or I should say, when that should happen, because it is going to. I honest to God hate this house, I really do. The whole situation sounded great on paper, but that is before people decided to screw us over. But they did, and this is where we are. :(
Anyways, resolutions. In order to try and persuade the Fates to allow this year to not be a complete disaster, I've decided to make some resolutions. So here they go:
1. I am going to finish my weight loss by July 24, 2011. I was at 173. I am now at 158. I aim to be 135.
2. I am going to make great grades, and try my best in math.
3. I want to get a job I love. And keep it for the whole year.
4. Try and be nicer to people.
5. Not put up with people's bullshit either. i know a lot of people think I don't already, but it's not true. I let a lot of shit slide. Not anymore.
6. Try and spend more time with friends.
7. Really have a good Christmas.
8. Save $2000 for my birthday trip, and give Van a wonderful birthday.
I think that's it. Take it or leave it.